2003-12-22 | 7:53 p.m.
how the hell am I gonna make it into the New Year?

Can you believe that there are actually people out there who like to shop? No, really. It must be the same people who knit. Perhaps the Zen-like experience of knitting evens them out to the point that walking around aimlessly, getting shoved by strangers and standing on long lines to spend money is enjoyable.

I have had fun shopping exactly twice. Both times were at Bloomingdale's. Both times the salesperson helped me, and by helped I mean "helped," not "tried to sell me something I didn't want." It was magical. Magical times 2. I didn't have to wait even one second behind anyone at all. And the people, they were smiley and fun and geniuses. They pretended they were hired just to hang out with me. I loved them. I miss them. Saturday I went to Bloomingdale's and the best part of it was that they were playing Michael Jackson. What? Yes. Actually, I am lying. The best part was the Godiva balcony, where the lady was fabulous, though I did have to wait on line for two minutes. The store was a zoo though, so that short wait was, in itself, a miracle. Also, on-sale Godiva. Which rarely happens. But that was the only good thing in the whole damn store. Today I had good and bad times, but overall, the experience sucked, as shopping generally does.

Don't get me wrong. I love spending. No one enjoys exchanging money for stuff as much as I do, I just hate the shopping. Good stores for me to shop in include the supermarket and places with lots of everything, like Target. At these places you are sure to walk around quickly grabbing things and putting them in your basket. How often do you go to the Key Food and walk out with nothing? You know what you're there for, they have it, everyone wins.

The experience of shopping and getting nothing is one of life's lows. Like a horrible rejection. Like the store didn't even want your money. Ugh. I get frustrated when that happens. It ruins my day. This is why I prefer online shopping. If it takes a while and you get nothing, at least you didn't leave the house to be rejected. That and that you can do it at 1AM in your pajamas. Anything that happens at 1AM and/or in pajamas is, almost without exception, fantastic.

Another thing about shopping is shopping bags. The thing about this? I look at people's on the train, etc. and judge them. This is something else that I do which I don't at all enjoy. Like today, on the bus, when the guy stood in the doorway oblivious to the man who was trying to get out, taking up way too much space and showing no respect for his fellow passengers. What did I say in my mind? "Oh wow. An asshole with two bags from Whole Foods. Who'd have guessed?" See? Evil.

Kiki was great last night, in case you were keeping score. The Wau Wau Sisters totally fucking sucked though. I bet you $5 million that someone will get to this diary by looking up "Wau wau sisters totally fucking sucked." And if they don't, they should. If you are thoughtful and clever and irreverent and happen to offend people, that's one thing. If you are unfunny, untalented and uninteresting and have nothing but offending to offer, get off the stage.

I need ten hundred massages and a cocktail. Also, someone to make me dinner. Basically, I need to clone myself and marry her. What a lucky bride.

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