2004-03-10 | 10:32 p.m.
forget my number

I did a bad thing tonight. I went out alone (not a bad thing) to the bar next door after work. At the bar next door, I ordered a beer and bested the high music trivia and Wordster scores. See, the evening started out well. Then I ordered another beer and read The Onion. We're still doing OK. Then this man who I talked to once before came in and he was nice the first time, so I talked to him some more. Then he bought me a drink.

OK, so first off, I hate this. Because you try to turn it down and it never works and PS I just really like paying for my own drinks, especially when the option is me or a stranger, you know? Yes. This is why I miss bartender Jeff. Because when guys would try to buy me drinks when Jeff was there, he'd say things like, "No, she's leaving." Or "No, she's cut off." Or "No, she's already gone." Even when I was sitting right there and not at all cut off. He just knew I hated strangers buying me drinks. He is the kind of awesome. But yes, Jeff wasn't there, was he? No, he wasn't.

So the guy, he was also getting a drink for some other (very pretty) girl, so I felt all was well. Then I talked to him some more and it was very cool and we're clear on the fact that I am about the age of his kids and he is about the age of my parents, etc. And then he insisted on another drink and I was very against it, but when you have the person you are talking to and the bartender so for it, it is hard to win. I didn't.

It wasn't until this point, when he was talking about some psycho he had just been dating, that I got a little nervous about it although he was very friendly. You see, with the kids and all, I thought he was married. You know, I talk to older crazy friendly guys all the time who are married. And they are very nice and funny and they never do or even say anything even remotely questionable (except maybe drum loudly on the bar, Crazy Larry, I'm looking at you) -- come on, they are married. This guy, he's not married. That makes all of his overfriendliness instantly questionable. Also, whatever I was putting out there is totally off because I had no guard up because I thought this was a safe married person. Ugh. See the conflict?

SO when I was leaving, he made me give him my phone number. OK, how did he make me, was there a gun to my head? No. But I am a very sane and sweet normal person without a hint of rudeness. Remember the guy who followed me home on New Year's Eve? (Wait, did I not tell you that story) Remember how I evidently (I do not remember, but why would he lie?) told him to get out after he cleaned up the broken glass someone else had dropped? I never would have done that if I hadn't been so drunk. If I had been in standard Jane mode, he'd still be here. He'd be living here. I wouldn't be making out with him, but you best believe that I'd be making him dinner.

So now this older guy has my phone number, and I don't want him to call me. He said we should go out to a movie and I said that was a bad idea because I am a professional and am no fun at the movies (this is not true) but he didn't believe me. Maybe tomorrow he will throw out my number and realize it was a bad mistake, that he can get 10 million hotter girls to go out with. I hope so.

I am not one of those girls who pretends to like you so that you will buy her drinks. Really, I'm not. But I am nice to people I don't like and not really all that nice to people I do. I can't help it. It just is. When I am not comfortable/interested/whatever, my ingrained politeness kicks in. If I am being sweet and nice, I am not being Jane.

Here's a way to know I like you: If I am really nice to you and agree with everything you say, I don't like you at all in that way. If I am taking the time to argue with you and shake my head in disbelief when you say things and then try to show you my way (the right way) I just might like you. I am the kind of sick that if there is no disagreement, there's really nothing to talk about. If there's no disagreement, I'm just being nice. If there's no disagreement, there's no chance of a spark. Ask anyone who knows me. They will tell you.

Also, I like younger boys than 50. I like boys who are 25ish-35ish. I like boys who are weird and argumentative and awkward and aren't retired. I like boys who think they are suave and are so wrong. I like boys who are still struggling. I like boys who don't have kids my age.

I am a horrible person, yes. But I don't like grown men who could be my dad. I like those hot boys.

I really need to never go out alone. People who don't understand the Jane and Dollie and El Fano dynamic will stay away. Too many greatest boys ever will probably also stay away, but so will those I can't explain myself to. There is a reason for this, I understand that now.

In the meantime, I need a little rescuing. Who's going to rescue me?

... say something, anything (6)