2002-12-04 | 7:41 p.m.
what the fuck am I going to do, jump off a fucking cliff?

If I was an actor, I'd choose the following monologue to perform. It is from Heiress one of porn legend Jeff Stryker's few straight films (let the Google hits begin!). Anyway, it is brilliant. My delivery could never match that of the *very talented* (heh heh) Mr. Stryker, but a girl can dream. It is a piece in several parts, (deliniated by the bigger spaces), but it goes well all together. I think.

The name's Tony. That's right. I'm one of these punks that rides easy on his chopper, that doesn't have a regular job — that you guys are jealous of.

The fact is — never mind how I got this way. Let's just say I was born on a more unfortunate area adjacent to the tracks.

Hey, I'm not stupid. I seen "L.A. Law" a couple of times. I actually have kind of a nice life. I hang out with my buddies, I earn enough to keep myself in motorcycle polish. I kick a guy's ass if he fucks with my girl — then I kick her ass.

I never trusted rich people. They're all jerks in my opinion.

Until the day I met this rich chick. Actually, she was being bothered by two B street punks. I figured, "Hey, that ain't fair" so I caved in their balls with my boots and saved her life. I wanted to just ride on, but she took a liking to me. I gotta admit, I took a liking to her.

There we were, me and this rich chick, on our very first date. It was the first time any chick's ass wearing Chanel had been on my chopper seat. I was all set to take her to a nice fancy dinner. I was gonna let her order any damn thing she wanted. I even brought along a nice vino to go with the Chicken McNuggets — I love those things. But could you believe it? She didn't want to go out to dinner. Know what she wanted to do? She actually wanted to go to my old hangout. I said it was no place for a lady, but she insisted.

Ahh, hell. It was too good to last. I mean, who the hell do I think I am? You gotta be born with class, you just can't get it out of a book. Damn. I just don't have it. I really blew it.

Ah, now wait a minute. What the fuck am I gonna do, jump off a fucking cliff? I'm cool, I'm good looking. Fuck her and the fucking horse she rode in on. Man, I don't need those rich motherfuckers. They think they're so goddamn good? They're all bullshit and phony. I can do better than some rich bitch any goddamn day of the week.

Jeff knows, man. Jeff knows.

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